Let me start by saying it happens all the time. You are not alone and this has NOTHING to do with your intelligence. It’s all about having the information.
A guy seems like he is amazing right off the bat, and you’re hooked. But instead of being interested and intrigued and ready to find out more in order to make good decisions, you’re already all in. And you know what happens when you allow yourself to have that emotional investment before you know if a guy is truly worthy of it? You start to create a fantasy world around this guy, thinking that he’s “the one” – you found your soulmate, and “it’s meant to be.”
That could be true, but deciding that before you have enough information can lead to heartache and feeling like there’s something wrong with you.
So here are 3 simple steps you can follow to make sure you’re not getting caught in the fantasy trap:
#1 – Really know what you want in a relationship.
I’m not talking about external characteristics here – this isn’t about what he looks like or what he wears and while that is of course important because you wanna be attracted to the man you are with, measuring these things is not a solid base. I’m talking about what you want to FEEL when you’re in a relationship. Do you want someone who is reliable, who will be respectful of your time by showing up when he says he will and doing what he says? How about someone who understands compromise – a guy who will listen to your thoughts and try to find common ground between what the two of you are thinking and feeling? Do you want to be with someone who, no matter how upset he is, won’t walk away from you or shut you out, leaving anger or indifference as the last thing you see? These kinds of things are what make up the true essence of a relationship. And before you can be looking for these kinds of qualities in a man, you need to identify them. Otherwise you have nothing to hold on to but the superficial things.
#2 – Know who You need to be in order to have a successful relationship.
You’re looking for what a guy might have to offer, but do you know what you have to offer in return? Knowing this makes it so much easier to take your time and get to know if someone is a good match or not. What qualities do you possess as a person? Again, I’m not talking about your hair or your body or skin type or your job. What are you like to be with as a person – are you a good listener? Do you communicate with compassion and patience? Do you value the importance of understanding and compromise over being right? You have to take the time and invest in finding out what your relationship strengths are, and where you might need some work. Knowing the areas in relationship building where you need improvement can help you to strengthen your ability to create the love life you really want.
#3 – Take your time.
When you jump into fantasizing, you assume that the “ideal” you’ve experienced in a really short amount of time is sustainable. You can’t know that until you’ve had time to gather information and make a decision based on evidence rather than fantasy. Be curious and ask questions – not in a way that feels like you’re interviewing him, but in a way that honestly seeks to learn about who he is as a person. Discovering someone’s real relationship qualities doesn’t happen overnight, or in a few dates even. When you jump in too soon, you will find yourself attached in a way that makes it almost impossible to build a healthy relationship. If patience is not one of your qualities, think about the times you’ve made hasty decisions and you wished you would have waited until you had more information or had thought about it more. “Sometimes you just need to go for it” is true when it comes to taking risks in business and life, but it’s not a great gamble for something that impacts the rest of your life: committing to being with another person.
Here’s the deal: You can’t control a guy or change him to be what you want, but you can control yourself. YOU get to choose the guy you invest your time and energy in. Think of it like shopping – there are so many choices available to you. And while something may grab your eye, it may not be the best choice. You usually try it on to make sure it’s a good fit before you invest in it and take it home! And we all know what it feels like to get something that we knew wasn’t a good fit but we really wanted it so we bought it anyway…it’s a shame, because you could have had something great but instead you got something that you don’t wear and you’re out the money for it too!
Don’t let this happen when you’re making a decision that’s truly important, like choosing someone to give your time and energy to. Make sure he’s a match.
As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips For Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.
To your love life!
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