Let me paint a picture for you. It goes something like this:
You’ve met someone you were immediately smitten with – there’s just something about this guy, and you’re meeting up for a drink. When he sees you from across the room he locks eyes with you and smiles as he approaches with fantastic confidence (and maybe even a smooth smell of his cologne). He pulls you in by your waist for a hug before sitting down with you. You feel the intimacy and attraction.
He says things like, “You’re amazing. I’ve never met someone like you before. I just feel really connected to you.” And he says all that while he looks deep into your eyes, like you are the ONLY one he is seeing now. You feel your confidence soar as you feel the immediate connection, too.
As you talk, he nods his head and agrees with what you’re saying. He even understands your struggles with your past relationships and makes you feel so understood, so heard, so special. Like this is it, you just hit the jackpot in the love department – he could be the one you’ve been waiting for!
He gets physically close quickly (maybe pulls his chair to sit closer to you) and while you might politely keep some distance, or make him work harder, he doesn’t mind it. He persists and doesn’t give up. And well, it feels AMAZING to have someone chase after you, want you, and make you feel like he is your hero. He just won’t give up on you. (Doesn’t matter that you just recently met.)
Anyway… soon it seems ok to give in because he’s so present on an emotional level – your connection goes much deeper than the physical you think, even though you just met. He makes you feel like you’re different, you’re special, and you are the one-and-only woman in his life suddenly and he’s ok with that. Like you changed him. He is now ready to settle down. (And this is just the first date!)
He pulls you closer with words as well, texting you things like “Good morning, gorgeous :)” the following day. You open up to him quickly and move at a fast pace because he seems to understand you like no other guy has, and he’s just as smitten with you as you are with him.
PAUSE the scenario …
You have officially fallen into a dating trap with the Player-type of man.
The Player creates an emotional trap where you feel so connected to him that rushing in seems like the natural thing to do. Because you become immediately invested emotionally, you insist that he gets you and that he’s the ideal guy for you. But once the chase is over, his behavior tends to change: he gets busy at work or with his friends, he doesn’t communicate as often…once he knows you’re in, he’s out. Sure, he likes you, but he has no desire to be attached to you or to commit to you, and if the conquest has ended with you he’ll likely move on.
Unfortunately, most women don’t recognize what’s happening and they try desperately to hang on to these men. Constantly trying to call or text him, making excuses for why he hasn’t responded, thinking about him all the time… It just doesn’t seem to make sense – you had such a “connection,” so what did you do wrong?
The answer, of course, is nothing! You didn’t do anything wrong – he’s just not a relationship-ready guy, so if that’s what you’re looking for he’s moved on.
Now I’m not saying if you meet a guy and he’s great that he’s a Player-type. I’m not even saying the Player-type is a bad guy – there’s nothing wrong with a guy giving you compliments and making a connection with you – but it’s YOUR responsibility to go through the process of discovering whether he’s in alignment with your dating and relationship values.
So here are some things to ask yourself before you decide this guy may be the one:
#1 – How long have you known him?
Yes, it’s possible to make a connection with someone right away, but the chances are slim to none that you know you’ve met your soulmate if you’ve just met. Give it a few months to ensure that he’s matching your relationship non-negotiables and values.
#2 – Gather information
Make sure you’re managing your time with him to learn about him, not to fantasize about how great he is. Find out if he really is great! Seriously, you’re making one of the most important decisions of your life: deciding whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. That doesn’t mean you have to be scared, but you need to allow yourself the time to see if he really aligns with what you want.
#3 – Have you had an argument?
If you haven’t been with him long enough to disagree on something and to see what he’s like when that happens, you haven’t been with him long enough to know he’s your soulmate. I always say you really can’t tell for sure until you’ve been through this. How someone acts when everything’s fine is one thing; how they act when it’s not can tell you much more.
#4 – If you’ve decided to be intimate – or not – does his behavior change?
If you notice a shift in attention and behavior that seems to cool down after you’ve been intimate, you need to be aware of that. Or, if you notice he seems to become less interested if you are trying to move at a slower pace, that’s good information too.
Remember, your love life is about YOU and choosing someone that matches your values, not about you fitting into someone else’s life. Start with establishing your values and then allow any potential relationship the time to see where it goes. Keep putting yourself out there, and do the work to create the love life you deserve!
As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips For Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.
To your dating success!
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