I remember back when it was about the third week of knowing my life partner Tim that I took a trip to New York City, where I had a performance. (For those of you who don’t know, I am also a professional opera singer.) At the time, everything was going very smoothly and in the right direction with Tim. He took me to the airport to drop me off. He had made it clear through being attentive and pursuing me that he was very interested.
While I was in NYC, I got a text from a friend saying she had two comp tickets for me for the San Francisco Opera when I returned. So I texted Tim to let him know I had tickets to the opera and asked if he would like to join me. Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. The next day I didn’t hear from him either, and I was going back to San Francisco.
Once I was home, I still didn’t hear from him. Three days went by and I thought, what is going on? This was so not like him.
Okay, so what do you think I did?
In that moment I had so many options, and of course the easiest one would be to make him wrong, make up negative stories, and then get into beating up myself for not being good enough, lovable enough, worth enough, you name it… and so the conclusion would be that he left me and ghosted me and there I was again, single and left behind.
Well, I could have done that, but I didn’t. Instead, I did these four things below that I want to share with you.
It’s so much easier to find out about the truth from the man, rather than taking the energy to make up stories and think that’s the truth. And while making up stories seems like the easiest thing to do, if you’re doing that, you’re only making up stories to reinforce what you DO NOT want.
So here’s what to do when you haven’t heard from him and are wondering what’s going on:
1- Dating is an opportunity to get to know if a man is a match
First and foremost, dating is not the relationship; dating is a way to see if he is a match or not. So if Tim would have “ghosted” me and I would have never heard from him again, that’s clearly just information I would have about him that would make him ineligible for me, someone who is looking for a quality and relationship-ready man. A man who is emotionally evolved is capable of communicating whatever it is he needs, even if it’s to say, “I’m sorry, but we’re not a match. I don’t think this can work.”
Your job in the dating process is to sit back and let the man speak for himself. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. If you haven’t heard from him and you do the three other steps and he’s still a no show, then that’s the time to move on. But… let’s talk about Step #2 because you don’t have all the info yet…
2- Don’t make up a story
Stay away – and I mean with all your awareness and energy – stay far away from interpreting what it means that you haven’t heard from him. The truth is you simply don’t know. Anything you think is just a guess. While it’s really easy to attach a meaning to something like this, unless you hear the reason from him, your guess is good as mine. We just don’t know. The only thing we do know, and the only meaning this has, is that he hasn’t contacted you. That’s all. Which brings me to Step #3.
3- Communicate with him
Gracefully check in with him. In my case, I called Tim and left a message after a few times of reaching out, and I told him that I was genuinely concerned about him being okay and that I felt it wasn’t like him not to call me back. I told him I hoped he was okay, and if he could just text me to let me know of his well-being, I’d so appreciate it. I also added that I’d really love to go see the opera with him and it would be so much more fun going with him than not. One of the sexiest assets you can have is compassionate communication.
4- Give him an opportunity to win with you
Here’s the dealio ladies: men who are interested in you and want to date you by nature want to be with you. When you’re graceful about the situation and let him know that you care but you’re not pushy, you’re leaving him space to want to make you happy. You are letting him know that hearing from him will make you happy. And a guy who is into you, excited about getting to know you, and interested in dating you more will definitely contact you.
So to let you know about how my story went… I took these four steps and Tim contacted me to tell me he was so sorry, he had gone out of town with a couple of his friends and was in an area that had no wi-fi or cell reception. He was very sorry that I got concerned and he would LOVE to go to the opera with me. The opera was that very night, so like the Superman that he is, he got in his car, quickly got ready, and came to pick me up. Five and a half years later, I still use this technique to communicate when Tim goes into his man cave (That’s what I call it.) when he’s more quiet than usual and is not as communicative.
Here’s the thing: you can’t change a man, nor can you make someone like you if they’re not interested. BUT, the way you show up, handle situations, and carry yourself with grace can be a huge agent of change in making or breaking the relationship or dating process. Communicating with grace, no matter how afraid you are that the same ol’ stories are happening, is so powerful for you and attractive to the right man. I know to this day that Tim is so impressed with the way I show up when I’m stressed. And when I lose my tact, I can tell you for sure things don’t go as I would like them to.
As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips for Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.
To your dating success!
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