Is Comparing Yourself to Others Ruining Your Chances at Love?

Feb 24, 2017 | by: Raeeka

I know a lot of times you might think the process of dating is challenging because it seems like you can’t find a good match. And I know this is frustrating and might make you want to throw the whole dating process out the window, but are you doing things that could be keeping you single? If you’re not sure what’s going on, I’m gonna fill you in on some possibilities!

In my coaching practice, I constantly come across women who compare themselves to others. And I get it – in a world filled with competition, it seems only natural that we would look at other women and consider what they have to offer as compared to our ourselves. The problem is we only compare what we perceive to be true, since we don’t know what anyone else’s life is really like. We see another woman’s appearance, her list of accomplishments and talents, her financial status, or her job title, and think, “How can I compete with that?”

What comparison thinking does

With comparison thinking, you’re only going to find jealousy, bitterness, sarcasm, and even resentment. Most importantly you are constantly perpetuating a mindset of “lack” – what other women have that you don’t have – thinking you are not going to be one of the lucky women who can find love. It can also mess with your self-confidence and self-worth. These emotions can come out in your tone of voice and your attitude; they can affect the way you are perceived by a man, and it’s not pretty.

The truth about comparison thinking

Let me be honest about something: you can’t fake your way out of your beliefs, even if you think you are so good at it. The truth is, you are leaking that energy.  When you have a comparison mindset, you are not present while being on a date with a man. You are constantly asking yourself if you said the right thing/did the right thing/have the right thing or if this man is doing what your ex who cheated on you did, did what so and so did, or is he like your friend’s husband or your sister’s new fiancé… You are so busy analyzing and being in your head that you are not getting any useful information about the man that you are dating, and you are also not showing him your true beautiful, authentic, loving self.  

What you have to offer

If you’re defining your own worthiness by someone else’s qualities, you’re really missing out on your own value. We are all unique in what we have to offer, and what is attractive to one person is not necessarily attractive to another. So your best chance of finding a true match is to be your authentic self: put all of your energy toward nurturing and growing yourself into the person you have the potential to be.

Comparing your physical, emotional, social, and spiritual self to others is like saying you should try to be someone you are not. Instead, let’s celebrate the fact that there is only one you – one unique beautiful, amazing you – and what you have to offer is worthy of a man’s time and energy. When you invest in yourself, then guess what: the right man for you can’t wait to meet you and spend the rest of his life with you.

How do I stop comparing myself to others?

The focus has to return to you. Identify what you have to be grateful for in your life. The more you focus on appreciating what you have, the less you will wish for what someone else has. Remember, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

There is a difference between wanting to grow and improve and comparing yourself to someone else’s qualities or accomplishments. You can also take inventory of your assets. Because those are what make you unique. Ask yourself… What makes you different? What do you do well? Taking stock in what you have to offer can show you what you have to be proud of, and it can also show you where you might be interested in doing some work. Give yourself the credit you deserve for your successes and positive qualities – you have to take as much time to acknowledge your accomplishments just as you do to think about what you want to improve.  Investing in building yourself is a much better use of your time than wishing you were like someone else. It will make your list of assets grow, and your self-worth will grow, too.

There are only two people in your potential relationship: you and your guy. Comparing yourself to others is like bringing a third (or fourth or fifth!) person into the relationship with you. If he’s on a date with you, focus on that – use your time together to let him see who you are so you can really discover if you’re a good match. If you’re spending time thinking about your ex or what someone else has, you’re wasting valuable time that you could be focusing on your date, and he’s missing out on your attention.

If comparing is a habit for you, you’ll need to practice focusing on yourself. If you begin to think about someone else’s assets, let that be a trigger to start thinking about what you are grateful for. Gratitude and self-confidence are always attractive, so let your guy see you for what you have to offer, and no one else!


As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips For Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.

To your dating success!

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