It’s totally common to have first date jitters. A lot of times what makes women so nervous is either wondering whether or not a guy will like them, or going into the dating experience hoping, “This is it. This man needs to be *the* man ‘cause I don’t have time to waste!” But let me tell you right off the bat: that kind of approach is going to get you into dating trouble very quickly—and in fact keep you single for a longer time. I always teach my clients that in order to make a first date successful, you want to go in there with curiosity so you can learn about the man you’re meeting.
When my coaching clients first come to me, they often complain about how difficult it is to find someone who they feel like they connect with. I hear phrases like these a lot: “We had no chemistry,” or “There was no chemistry,” or “It will never work; I didn’t feel any chemistry.”
The concept of having chemistry is so topsy-turvy these days that instead of helping your love life to flourish, it is actually killing it. If you think chemistry is about that instant, Disney/Hollywood spark, that love at first sight kind of thing, then chances are you’ll have trouble finding love with a real, relationship-ready man.
So let’s talk about chemistry and how it’s not this mysterious thing that happens by luck to only some people! You have every power to create it on a first date and raise your chances of connecting with the man you are meeting and getting him interested in asking you for another date! Here are 5 tips you can implement right away to create a winning dating experience that will have him wanting more:
- Come from a Place of Curiosity and Interest
When you’re getting to know someone, one of the best ways to engage him is to give him your undivided attention. Make eye contact and ask him open-ended questions that make him feel that you are interested in him rather than interviewing him. Talk to him about what he enjoys doing and what he likes. And when it comes to what he does, ask him about his passions and where he wants to go. A job title doesn’t tell you much; someone working to build his own business may be working another job while he’s making it happen, and someone with a “high-end” job might hate it and be looking to quit. If you really want to learn about him (And that should be the purpose of your date!), focus on the essence of who he is rather than what he does.
- Share How You Feel
Being nervous is normal; if that’s how you’re feeling, it’s totally okay to tell your date. If he’s also feeling that way, it might help him to relax as well, and now you are creating an alliance. If the conversation is a little awkward at first because of nerves, that’s normal, too; you can gracefully share that “Wow I am a bit nervous,” and then keep moving the conversation toward getting to know one another. If you shut down and keep your feelings to yourself, you’re not working on connecting and you can both leave the wrong impression of who you really are on each other. Don’t worry about making mistakes because of nerves. Your honesty and communication with be appreciated.
- Create Chemistry Through Passions Instead of Common Activities
A lot of times we think that in order to have a strong foundation in a relationship, we both need to share common activities. I love opera and my life partner loves technology and virtual reality – stuff I can barely wrap my head around – but what we both connect with each other on is the idea that we are both so passionate about something in our lives, and we love that about each other. If the man you’re dating is talking about something he’s very passionate about, that’s an opportunity to acknowledge his passion and connect with him. You can say things like “I love that you are so passionate about…,” or “I too am so passionate about…,” or “I get your feeling.” So now you have created a connection with him. He is heard and he is understood. And on a basic human level, that’s what people want: being heard, acknowledged, validated and understood.
- Don’t Overshare
If you’re looking to see if he’s a good potential partner or not, you might feel like you need to get everything out on the table so that you don’t waste any time. After all, if he’s still interested after you’ve told him everything about you, then there’s nowhere to go but forward, right? It seems like this would be helpful, but giving someone so much information all at once is overwhelming and may leave him feeling uneasy about you. Remember, you don’t know each other enough to be invested in each other on that level. Instead, let him earn knowing about you over time. You want him to be eager to learn more, not to feel like he’s already spent a year with you in a couple of hours!
- There’s No Competition
Many smart, successful and high-achieving women have this belief that they need to prove they’re not little girls and that they are powerful and independent. Wanting to be respected as an equal is completely understandable; but when it gets into one-upping the man you barely know, it’s certainly not an effective way to leave a good impression of yourself or to make him feel good about himself.
It can be easy to hear something he says and to immediately chime in with your version of doing that same thing. But this can make him feel like your primary interest is to one-up him in everything he does. While it may make you feel like you’re sharing accomplishments you’re proud of, it’s not going to make him feel comfortable and confident. Instead of replying with what you’ve done, express interest in the subject or activity and ask him more about his experiences. Allow him the opportunity to invite you to talk about what you’ve done rather than using that as your response. Just like you would appreciate having your experiences valued, do the same for him.
No one can control whether a man will be a match or whether there will be a second date, but you can control how you show up and what kind of experience you create. A great conversation flow on a first date can be a game changer with a relationship-ready man who is out there wanting to find the love of his life, just like you!
Want to find love and learn once and for all exactly what’s keeping you single? If you’re curious about why you haven’t find the right man for you, I want to invite you to take my Dating Success Assessment. One of my biggest successes that allowed me to find love with my man, Tim, was getting the answer to what was going on with me that had led to so many breakups. This assessment gave me that answer, and from there it was easy. I was able to work on that issue and move forward in creating my love life with an amazing man. The information you will learn in the Dating Success Assessment is unique to your situation, and going through that process was exactly how I was able to do a 180 in my love life and find the man of my dreams! You can find out more about it here.
As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips For Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.
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