Breakups can be amazingly painful, and I should know: I went through 11 of them in 12 years before I found out what was keeping me in this cycle. That information is what allowed me to do the self work I had been missing and open the door to finding the love of my life, Tim!
But before I met Tim, I was engaged to someone who was needy. He was also the player-type, but I didn’t know it. I thought the problems were with me—I didn’t realize that a guy could come across as relationship-ready but actually be a different type. That’s why when I became a dating coach, one of the very first things I did was to create a free training for women to help them identify the different types of men when it comes to dating! If you don’t have it already, you can pick it up right here on the Dating with Confidence website. 🙂
My ex-fiancé broke up with me three times. This breakup was the most painful, because I thought I was done with dating. But it turns out it was also the most powerful: it was then that I learned how to experience a breakup without closing off or running away and hiding. And because of this, I was able to move on faster.
If you want to heal faster after a breakup and get on the path to finding the love you deserve, here are the three things I did right away that made a huge difference in my ability to do just that:
1. Stop. Breathe. Choose.
The time after a breakup is a time to turn inward and think about what you truly want out of your life and from a relationship. By taking the time to explore your thoughts, you honor the time you need to heal so you can move forward without holding on to the past. By choosing yourself over rushing out and finding someone new right away, you are investing in who you are and clearly identifying who you want to be when you date and when you’re in a relationship. Rushing into dating means that the next guy will inevitably have to deal with your fresh feelings about your ex, and that’s no way to start something new. His job is not to distract you or take away your heartache. You want to be sure you are ready to date again by building yourself first.
2.Replace Blaming with Observing
The second time my ex-fiancé broke up with me, I was still into blaming. I blamed myself at first—I constantly thought about what I could have done to make things go wrong. Because of this, I really suffered emotionally and physically. I was cruel to myself and my weight dropped to a dangerous low. I thought I should change who I was into whatever was necessary to win him back.
After our final breakup I stopped blaming myself, and I decided to take responsibility for what I wanted and what was truly happening in the relationship. It wasn’t just me and it wasn’t just him, and it wasn’t about placing the fault on someone for the relationship ending. Rather than looking for this, I began to observe what was important to me. I thought about whether my needs were being met, whether I was even stating those needs, and what my behavior had been. I realized that blaming didn’t increase my chances of moving on or finding love in a quality relationship, but observing who I was and deciding who I wanted to be did.
3.Your New Date Is Not Your Ex (No Comparing!)
It’s normal to want to compare a new situation to a previous one. But doing this usually means that the new situation is colored by the old one, and that doesn’t give someone new a chance to start from scratch. Good or bad, your old relationship has nothing to do with a new one, so leave it in the past. Get to know a new date just like you would someone who has the potential to be a good friend. After all, the best relationships stem from a place of friendship, and trying to mold something new to fit what you had (or to get as far away from it as possible) doesn’t allow for that. You want to build something new on a fresh foundation. Let go of your frustrations, joys, and experiences with your ex and invest instead in what you want for yourself going forward with someone new.
Want to find love and learn once and for all exactly what’s keeping you single? If you’re curious about why your relationships are not working, or why men have left you in the past, or why you can’t find the right man for you, I want to invite you to take my Dating Success Assessment. One of my biggest successes that allowed me to find love with my man, Tim, was getting the answer to what was going on with me that had led to so many breakups. This assessment gave me that answer, and from there it was easy. I was able to work on that issue and move forward in creating my love life with an amazing man. The information you will learn in the Dating Success Assessment is unique to your situation, and going through that process was exactly how I was able to do a 180 in my love life and find the man of my dreams! You can find out more about it here.
As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips for Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends.
To your dating success!
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